Rough few days in my headspace.
No psych till 6th May.

Good progress.

A message to take.
Daylight walking.
Continued thought train.

It's been a full 12 days since I have had any contact with Alexa.

It is starting to wear me down. I just want to know she's ok, and I can't even do that.

I just get this feeling that she means more to me than everyone is telling me she does.

I'm away for the night.

[Edit]

Yeah, selfish post. Disregard. I have grown since this. Posting privately for a bit, while I work through this.

I've decided I'm going to get myself totally written off this sunday night.

I'm going to sleep well saturday, wake up late sunday, have an ok day, then buy copius amount of alcohol and drink it all at night.

I'm forewarning and inviting anyone who want's to join me in an ultimate FORGET WHAT session.

I am not responsible for who I call.

Expect pictures and videos though.

Second session was the blame game, unintentional. A lesson in UN-self loathing. Home work and exercise.

I also applied for a library job today.

In my first session we filled out a questionaire, and he made me promise I wouldn't crash my car. We shook on that.
Second tomorrow.

I don't know if I am able to go back to work.

Maddison took her first steps today.

I'm very anxious about the psychologist tomorrow.
I wish I had a hug.

I'm so full of what-if's it's sickening.

http://bluerocks.livejournal.com/352120.html

Hilarious ending to the comments by Joe.

Old photos..

Alexa emailed me today.

And she actually was able to put something in to words that let me know how she actually felt.

So, we're not talking from now. No contact whatsoever for a while. I tried this earlier in the break-up, but wasn't strong enough. I think part of it was that I didn't know how it would effect her, mainly because she couldn't speak about it. And, I sincerely didn't want to break up.

I wrote her my final reply today from work, trying to stem back the sobbing.

It's lifted the veil a little bit. I was in tears the moment I drove away from Tom's today.

I hate myself for the torment she's been putting herself through.

I blame myself for most of what's happened, if not all. I'm genuinely broken.

But least I'm doing something about it, I guess.

I'm going to still be a wreck for a while longer, but I do feel slightly better for the light that has been shed.

Thank you, Lex. Thank you for everything.

The fact that I've had suicide ideation, not close to intent, is scary. And I'm sorry for all those I mention/post to that include these thoughts. It's not only for attention, but it's obviously for some.

Thanks to my friends too, lj and irl.

Here's to picking up pieces.

I'm losing myself in day dreams of running my car off the road. I never would have the guts, or the cowardice to do so. But I'm finding it hard not to think these things.

How can you so deeply devote yourself to someone and it become something like this? I don't want to say the things I said to her to anyone else. I'd not like to think it were even possible.

Fuck this life. I can't wait to speak to a therapist.

So I thought I could be adult and keep in contact with Lex at the moment.

Too hard. Way too hard.

I wish I was more observant, and never had this happen. Ah, I got to try and move on.

HAY JO

POST PIKCHURS YNOT?

i can't believe i fucked up so bad

i can't even get mad at anyone else for any of it

it's all me. i feel like i can't go on

Missed calls from private numbers..

It was always Lex at home or work when I saw those.. got one today at 4:30.. :(

I find it real hard to talk about the shit going on at the moment without crying. I guess that's normal.

Thanks to Mum for brekky in bed this morning, and everyone that's commented so far. There'll be more posts about me being a whiney bitch, but I promise I feel a bit better for it all.

More as the day goes on..

So, my heart is in a million pieces.

To deviate from the more serious matters in my life..


Players can now only carry 80 Conjured Manna Biscuits at a time.

OUTRAGE.